An idiot’s guide to SEO

Hey, you!

Do you want to rank on the first page of Google?

Are you looking to become an SEO guru?

Do you like cheese?

If you answered yes to any of these questions - you're in the right place.

The following SEO tips are so secret that you won't hear about them anywhere else.

Not on Twitter, not on Barry Schwartz's blog, not anywhere.

Capiche?

Let's begin.

1. Get the right plugins

You can't get onto the first page of Google without plugins, right?

Anyone who has dealt with WordPress websites knows there are just too many plugins to choose from.

Luckily, you only need one.

With this plugin, you can't go wrong.

And you'll never need another plugin ever again.

2. Wix is the most SEO-friendly website builder

If you don't want to use WordPress, fear not.

Creating your website with Wix will get you to page one.

Don't believe us?

These results don't lie.

If your website is built with Wix, you're at least 10 times more likely to get to page one.

3. Keywords, keywords, keywords

This is super important.

If you want to rank for "banana fudge ice cream", you need that keyword in your content.

Around 50-100 times.

The more times you mention your target keyword in your content, the more likely you are to rank for it on page one.

Mmm...... Banana fudge.... *insert Homer Simpson drooling sound*

4. Cheese

Cheese is a major ranking factor right now.

How do we know?

Well, there was a broad core algorithm update in March 2019.

Lots of websites were affected by this update, with some insane ranking fluctuations occurring.

How does this relate to cheese, you ask?

John Mueller, aka 'SEO noob schooler', 'Bing dueler' and evidently 'Cheese drooler', is Google's Webmaster Trends Analyst.

He tweeted this a couple of days after the algorithm update was confirmed:

Coincidence? I think not.

Websites which contain keywords related to the tasty dairy product are getting higher rankings.

Here is a graph to make it clearer:

5. High-quality backlinks

Google LOVE links.

They've made this very, very clear.

It's important to know which types of links to get.

Directories are a fantastic way to get lots of backlinks to your website.

Submit your website to as many directories as you can for the best results.

Oh yeah. Google+ is also a great source of backlinks.

In fact, Google+ is even shutting down because of how powerful the links from it were.

Get yours while you can!

Although...

You know what's better than one Google+ backlink?

MILLIONS of high-quality backlinks from these Fiverr gigs!

Just look at those ratings!

For these price-tags you've hit a goldmine.

These backlinks will have exact anchor texts that go directly to your money site.

Nobody can remotely touch your rankings if you have 1 million exact anchor text backlinks.

6. Content length

Do you know how crucial word-count is when it comes to SEO?

Your blog posts can't rank if they're only 500 words in length.

Instead, all the pages on your website should have at least 10,000 words.

Every. Single. One.

Even your 'about' page.

Just write about your childhood, hobbies, past relationships, etc. etc.

By having a lot of content on each page, Google appreciate that you care about your website.

7. Pagination with rel=next/prev

Google loves this neat little HTML code.

This is especially true if you want to go over and beyond the 10,000 word content length.

If you have two similar pieces of content, split them up into different pages using this code.

8. Use PBNs

Private blog networks (PBNs) are a sure-fire way to secure yourself some quality backlinks to your money site.

Splash some cash into a few of these bad boys and watch your rankings steadily increase.

There is absolutely no risk of using them.

You won't get found out.

You won't harm your money site.

You won't get any penalties.

It's a no-brainer!

9. Share your content

People love your content just as much as you do.

Go to every single blog you can find and submit a comment.

The comment should look something like this:

Make sure you ask extra nicely, otherwise people might not click on your link (which you can include in your name).

If you're not a nice person, however, you won't be able to do this properly.

Keep in mind that there are some nasty people out there who won't click your link.

Even if you're as sweet as cherry pie.

Aim to comment on around 10,000 blogs for the best results.

10. Be active in the SEO community

If you aren't following the latest trends within the SEO community, then you're definitely doing something wrong.

All you have to do is have a Twitter account.

Then, you can check out the trending topics within the community:

Clicking on any of these trends will reveal the top tweets and discussions:

They weren't kidding!

Did you notice Barry Schwartz was trending?

Of course we had to vote Yes!

Ouch. Here's hoping!

Final Thoughts

Hopefully you will now be on your way to getting every top spot on Google.

If these tips are still too challenging, just don't have a website in the first place.

In the spirit of April Fools, this post is satirical and shouldn't be taken seriously.

If you want real information to boost your SEO, we got 30+ experts to share their top SEO strategies.